una scelta di amore
by omens
Summary: What other choice do I have? She needs me.


**Name: **Chris

**Title: **Una Scelta di Amore

**Genre: **Angst/Drama

**Rating: **T

**Summary: **What other choice do I have? She needs me.

**Written for Livejournal's Song100. Lyrics from 'I Don't Know If I Should Stay' by Alexz Johnson. **

**Title loosely translated means 'A Choice of Love.' **

…0...0...0...0...0...0...

_**A familiar sound, a familiar voice**_

_**Makes it so hard to make a choice**_

_**I don't know if I should stay**_

It's 8:39 when the phone starts ringing.

I groan into my pillow. It's been the day from hell and I just wanted to go to bed early so I could get up in time to talk to Dylan in the morning. This bi-continental thing is for the birds.

"Hello?"

"Marco, you have to get to the hospital right now."

A cold sense of dread creeps over me at the near hysteria in Ash's voice. I've only seen Ash truly upset three times in the entire time I've known her; when Terri was hurt, when Jimmy was shot, and when Craig was missing-although that was more hearing since she called me from London.

"What's wrong?" If Ellie had seen me shoot out of bed like that, tripping over my blankets, she would have had a hearty laugh at my expense.

"It's Spinner-he was on a call … and Ellie," She breaks off, unable to continue through her sobs.

"Ellie? What about Ellie? Is she okay-was she with him?" Try as I might, I can't keep the panic out of my voice no matter how hard I try. "Just-I'm on my way."

The hospital is twenty minutes away from my and Dylan's condo but I make it there is just over seven, breaking every traffic law known to man and nearly flattening an old lady on a walker along the way. I'm already running around the ER like mad when it dawns on me that I have no idea where to go. I didn't take the time to ask Ash where everybody was.

It's pretty obvious the nurse at the front desk doesn't know what to do when I run up to her, knocking over her pencil cup when I grab her desk to keep from falling over it. "M-Mason." I gasped out.

Apparently, she must be more used to this kind of thing than I thought because she merely skims down the clipboard beside her, the picture of calm.

She's calm and I'm freaking out. Where's the justice in that?

"Gavin Mason?"

"Yes."

"ER. Down the hall, third room on the left. His family's already in the waiting room." Her voice is clipped, efficient. Professional. And it makes me hate her that she can be so used to seeing people in such a state of panic that it doesn't even register on her radar.

I don't want to go to that room-I don't. But I have to. There was something there in Ash's voice when she said Ellie's name, the way it broke. Ellie needs me.

My heart stops when I walk into the waiting room and my breath catches in my throat. Jimmy looks like he's been struck by lightening. He's stoic, almost statuesque, as he sits blankly by Ashley who looks like she feels totally helpless, tear tracks on her face.

Mrs. Mason, Mr. Mason, Kendra, Paige, several other cops that Spin hangs out with-they all look like a bomb has been detonated right in the middle of the group and that eerily cold sense of doom rises up within me again with the realization that something bad has happened.

That's when I notice that Ellie's parents are there, her father standing stock still outside the room across from the waiting area, a man I recognize as the Chief of Police beside him. Mrs. Nash is talking in hushed tones to two security guards a few feet off.

What have I missed?

"Marco!"

Ashley rushes to me, her nails digging into my forearm in the telltale sign of pure terror I was afraid of seeing. "Thank God you're here."

"Where's Ellie? What happened?" I demand, then chide myself for letting the fear I'm feeling direct itself at her. She didn't do this I think.

"She won't leave the room. The doctors want to take him-they called security to come get her, but her dad and the Chief won't let them-Marco, she won't leave," she rambles, wringing her hands incessantly.

A deep cleansing breath to calm my rattling nerves is attempted, but doesn't work. I have felt pain this potent since the day Jimmy was shot and I don't like the taste it leaves in my mouth or the way it sends my heart thudding inside my chest. "Where's Ellie?"

"She's in there," she points in the direction of the guarded room. Her finger is shaking causing her to wrap her other hand around it to hide the fact even though I've already seen it.

Eyes, more than I care to think about right now, are trained on me as I walk as if on a processional to a public execution, towards the door Mr. Nash and the Chief are so diligently guarding. They part, silently, like doors sliding open as I pass.

That's when I finally see what I was afraid of.

She's just … sitting there.

I've seen Ellie in every type of pain imaginable. But this … I can't even describe the sort of anguish on her face when I walk into the room. She looks so tiny in that little chair by the bed. Spinner's hand is laying face up in hers, her fingers tracing the lines of palms over and over and over again.

Something inside of me splinters at the sight of Spinner lying there, a simple shell now of the vibrant man he was. Spinner is gone and what Ellie is holding onto is what housed him for the last 24 years. _'It's not him,' _I tell myself insistently. _'Spin isn't here anymore.'_

"We were supposed to get married," Ellie whispers. The cold of her shoulder under my palm is a shock. If she weren't speaking, I would think that Spin took her with him when he left. "We were happy, Marco. We were happy. Do you know long we waited to be happy?"

"Yeah, I do." I keep my eyes focused on her-the top of her head, her shoulder under my hand, her finger decorated by a diamond ring, anything to keep from looking at that bed.

"He shouldn't have even been there." There's no emotion in her voice. A flat monotone is all that comes out when she opens her mouth.

There's this place, deep inside of Ellie that she buries as far down as she can where she goes when things become too much for her to bear; a place so dark that she fights it whenever it tries to grasp her. It petrifies her to even think of going there. She's there now, hiding from the pain that's going to crash in around her when she finally admits that he's not coming back.

"He um, he was on his way to the store when he got the call. There was nobody else in the area." It's a recital of explanation to keep it in the abstract, one more way to hide from the pain. "The guy was supposed to be gone. It was just a routine robbery. 'Happens every day,' that's what he always said. Go in, get the statement, take some prints and go report it. The guy wasn't supposed to be hiding in the alley to shoot the cop who came to investigate."

"Ellie, Spinner knew what he was doing. He was proud of his job." I can hear the lie in my own voice but it doesn't prevent it from slipping out. The fact that Ellie doesn't call me on it is enough to show the level of anguish she's running on.

Shakily exhaling, Ellie turns his hand over in hers, ghosting her fingertips over his own, much larger fingers. The color has left him, the tan turned ashen and I'm sure it must be cold to the touch by now.

"The only reason," she says, "that he was even in the area is because he was going to get me some milk."

"Milk? El, you hate milk." It's true. I've seen gallon after gallon of milk go to waste at Spinner and Ellie's place as he only drank it with his coffee and the occasional bowl of cereal.

"I was so happy when I got home, Marco. I rushed there as fast as I could. I had a doctor's appointment after work and I couldn't wait to tell him." By now, she's gripping his fingers in hers like she's trying to pull some of the remnants of Spin's strength to help her say whatever she needs to tell me.

"Doctor? Ellie, tell me you're not sick," I plead.

"I'm pregnant."

The world, shattered and wrecked, stills in time. This can't be happening. God would not be this cruel to her.

I come around to crouch in front of her, trying to comfort her any way I can by placing a hand on her knee and arm. If I could take this on for her I would.

"God … you should have seen his face when I told him. He was all lit up and his smile …" The damn finally broke and a strangled sob erupted from Ellie's throat and she clasped a hand over her mouth.

"Oh, Ellie …"

She pushes me away when I try to put my arms around her. "It's not fair!" she screams, drawing the attention of the people outside. "He was supposed to be here for this, Marco. He wanted this so bad; this baby. He would have been the most amazing father. How could this happen? How could he leave me?"

Ellie jumps from her chair, pounding on the bed in front of her, tears streaming down her face. "How could you leave me?!"

"Ellie- Ellie, stop!"

"How could you leave me?! How?!" she screams again. She pounds so furiously for a few moments until she slips and stumbles to the floor of the hospital room. She sobs into her palms like a little girl who's just had her entire world torn out from under her. That's when I realize, seeing her cry like her heart has been ripped from her chest, that that's exactly what she is.

She struggles when I pull her against me, trying to push me away. Ellie's MO when she's hurting is to force everyone away from her. She thinks she can handle everything herself, and after all these years I'm somewhat disappointed that she thinks I'm not going to make her face it.

"Ellie," I whisper into her hair, "El, honey, it's going to be okay. I promise you, alright? I'm here for you and I'm not going anywhere."

She calms, her breathing slowing and she's no longer struggling in my grip. "Spinner's gone, Marco. How will it ever be okay?"

…0...0...0...0...0...0...

_**I ran to you like water**_

_**I threw my body in**_

_**And I'll stand up on the ocean just to show you that I am strong**_

_**But what if I am wrong**_

Ellie comes home with me. Despite all the protests that she stay with her parents, Spin's parents, Ash and Jimmy, she needs to be able to hurt right now. She won't get that with them. She'll shove her own pain down and try to focus on theirs to ignore what she's feeling.

I stand in the doorway of the guest room and watch her for most of the night. She just looks so … broken lying there on the bed all wrapped up in Spinner's jacket on the guest bed. She doesn't sleep. Instead, she lays there with her hands pressed to her abdomen and talks softly to the baby inside of her about Spinner.

"He was such a good man," she whispers. "And he already loved you so much. He even picked out names for you."

It's not until my vision goes blurry that I noticed I'm crying. I haven't cried until now. I loved Spin, we all did and I'm going to miss him more than I can say. But these tears aren't for Spin-those will come when they're ready. These are for Ellie and everything she's lost.

"I know you're there."

"I'm always going to be here," I tell her. She's still cold when I crawl up behind her on the bed; my arms going around her naturally even with Spinner's coat on. Making no move to accept my comfort or move away, she goes back to talking to the baby while I place my hand over hers on her stomach, my fingers slipping between hers to stroke the skin softly.

"Your daddy wanted to name you Elizabeth or Jonathan," she goes on. "Those were his grandparent's names. If you had known him, you wouldn't believe he'd choose something so traditional. Spin was anything but traditional. He was sweet though. Kind, funny-sometimes anyway." I chuckle at that when I hear the smile on Ellie's face. "But he was a truly good person. And he loved like no one I've ever seen before."

She's quiet after that. For a long time. And I stay there with her until I see the sky go from black to grey and the first streaks of pink break through. Dylan calls earlier than usual-I'm sure Paige called him. But I don't answer it. I can't leave her. The squeeze of her fingers around mine tells me that she knows it's him too, that it's okay if I go, and thanks me when I don't.

I'll call him once I know she's okay. He'll understand.

…0...0...0...0...0...0...

Dylan's already at the church when we pull up for Spinner's funeral. He got in last night but I was at Ellie and Spin's house. They bought it last fall, after an exhaustive search with lots of fighting along the way. It was the first night she had stayed there since Spinner died and I couldn't let her stay there alone.

He hugs her first, wrapping his big arms around her, making her look incredibly small against the breadth of his chest. Our eyes meet over her head. Dylan's are soft and sympathetic just the way I imagined them when I first spoke to him yesterday morning about the memorial service.

The overwhelming urge to fall apart hits me when it's my turn. Dylan is warm and safe and so strong that the first chink in my armor shows. But I can't. I have to be strong for Ellie. She needs me to be brave for her right now.

If you were to look at Ellie walking into the church you would never know how completely she's been destroyed. Even though she's screaming with rage on the inside, outwardly she's the very definition of calm and respectful mourning. A modest black dress, low heels, and waterproof makeup makes for the ideal grieving wife to be. In contrast to the near hysterics of the other family members, it's comforting in an odd way that she can be so solid.

The look Dylan gives me when I sit beside Ellie during the service has a slight accusation in it that chills me to the bone, but he turns away quickly and takes a seat between Paige and Ash. How can he not know that Ellie needs me now? When Mrs. Mason asks her to sit up front with the family and she tightens her hold on my hand it's not possible leave her.

We're at the final prayer, being delivered by the same minister that performed Spinner's christening, when she finally snaps. The huge old building is dead silent, all the heads bowed in prayer, quiet enough to hear a pin drop. Right beside me it's no surprise to hear Ellie's breath quickening like she's suffocating. Her gasp as she rises to her feet echoes throughout the church drawing every eye to her. For a split second her head darts around, taking in the scene around her before landing on the smooth mahogany coffin at the front of the aisle. Clutching her chest like she's having a heart attack, she heads for the end of the pew, stumbling over Spinner's parents and grandparents along the way.

When I find her she's at the side of the building, slumped against the wall, gasping for breath.

"Ellie?"

"I couldn't breath, Marco. It felt like the walls were closing in on me and my chest was getting tighter and tighter the longer I sat there. All I could see was that damn casket. Even when I closed my eyes," Her eyelids slid shut, hand drifting up to her throat. "It had a vice grip on me, Marco and it hit me; Spinner's in there. He's in that-that box, and they're going to put him in the ground, Marco. They're going to bury him." She looks down at her hands, which have splayed themselves across her stomach, and inhales brokenly. "How am I supposed to do this without him, Marco? How can I get up every day knowing that he won't be there?"

The tears that Ellie's managed to keep at bay all day finally spill over and fall down her cheeks. Tiny rivers across smooth porcelain making leaving tracks like rain in the sand. The color is all gone from her face, making the brown of her eyes more potent with their sadness.

Ellie has always been the strongest person I know. With everything that's happened to her, I understand why. And yet … she's more fragile than I ever gave her credit for. I can feel it for the first time in the ten years I've known her when I hug her and feel just how tiny she actually is. It's amazing she hasn't broken before now with all she's had to endure over the years. "I'm here, Ellie. Never, ever forget that, okay?"

Dylan rounding the corner registers in the back of my mind, but I don't need to look at him to see the way he's staring at Ellie and me. If I try hard enough I can see us through his eyes: Ellie locked tightly in my embrace, her hands clutching the back of my collar and I see how in any other circumstance it would seem suspicious.

Right now it's all about making it through the day.

"Do you hear me?" I go on, at last summoning the courage to look up at Dylan. "I'm not going anywhere, El. Ever. It's you and me. Just like it's always been."

…0...0...0...0...0...0...

Craig shows up at the graveyard. It's been at least three years since he's been back to Toronto-when he came back for Ellie only to find her with Spinner. Nobody has seen him within the city limits since.

Ellie's and my eyes fall on him at the same time. The service is long over; the guests have already dispersed for the wake at Spinner's parent's house. She hasn't moved since we got here, not even during the whatever you call it gun salute thing the police force did. When she finally stands and tells me that she can't go up there and "Is that bad?" we see him there at the back of the cemetery-clad in a dark suit and tie, hands in his pockets- Ellie tenses and breaks, walking slowly towards him.

I follow behind her, always the ever present shadow, just in case she needs me. Craig is a wound that not even Spinner could heal and a battle is the last thing Ellie needs right now.

"I didn't think you were gonna come." It's the most normal her voice has been in four days.

"My plane was delayed. I didn't think I was either." Craig shuffles his feet, looking down at the ground in discomfort. "Is there anything I can do for you?"

A choked laugh of sorts escapes, causing both of us to jump. "You've done more than enough by not asking the big question."

"How are you?" She nods. "I remember that question. From my mom and my dad, you know? As if they really want to know."

"I've been asked that thirty two times today," she tells him. "I probably would have decked you."

"I would have been disappointed if you hadn't." Craig smiles for a brief second, swallows, and then his face turns serious. He looks older, rehab and several years working his way back to where he had been have taken a toll, turning his chiseled features more rugged. "Listen El, I'm sorry I haven't really kept in touch over the years. It was stupid and childish-"

"And appreciated," she interrupts. "Craig, you'll never know how awful Spin felt about that entire situation. He hated that you got hurt."

"It's okay, El. I shouldn't have tried to-you guys were happy. You were in love. It was wrong of me to try and mess with that. And I hate myself for it."

Ellie's arms slip around him awkwardly. He stiffens and his eyes flash with something long since hidden. But it's not unexpected. It's not really that much of a shock that Craig would still have feelings, to still wonder. I know Ellie does. But at least she was able to find love.

"Take care, Craig," Ellie says and walks past him towards the car. I hang back in case Craig wants to talk. He nods in my direction and heads off to the side gate of the cemetery.

"I didn't think he'd show."

"Me neither," I tell Dylan. A small part of me knew that he would wait for us to leave, that he wouldn't go on to the house without us. I love that I know him that well. "Is Ellie in the car?"

"She's talking to herself. Is she okay?"

The idea of telling Dylan about the baby-I'm not sure I can do it. It's not my secret to tell. But it is better for Dylan to think that Ellie's grieving has driven her to some kind of psychosis?

"She's um, she's not talking to herself."

The notion of resisting when his hands turn me by my shoulders doesn't even come into my head but the slanting of my eyes to the ground is an involuntary motion I can't control. "Marco-look at me."

I don't. I can't. "It's not my place to say."

"I thought we had an agreement to not keep any secrets from each other, Marco." Accusation is not a good tone on Dylan, I realize.

"It's not my secret to tell, Dylan. If Ellie wants you to know, she'll tell you," I say. I can only pray that he understands. But that's silly. This is Dylan here. And it's about Ellie-who's grieving for the love of her life.

Hearing him suck in a breath beside me where we're both looking at the mound of freshly piled dirt. "Okay then. I have to be at the airport in an hour. Do I at least get to spend some time with you alone before I go?"

"An hour?" Try as I might, I can't keep the hurt and anger out of my voice. "You can't spare just a little more time for you friends or your sister who happen to be in mourning for their friend? And what about your boyfriend? Don't we matter as much as your precious team?"

"It's the only flight I could get until next week, Marco. And if I'm not their for Thursday's game, I'm out for the season. I can't jeopardize my career like that."

I can't believe what I'm hearing. This isn't the Dylan that I know. The guy I fell in love with would've gotten that Ellie needs me right now. She has to be my priority and would be there to make it easier for me.

"I suppose asking you to come with me for a little while is out of the question." It's a statement, not a question. Questions require answers. Statements are facts.

"Call me when you land so I know you got there safely."

_**A familiar look, a familiar smile**_

_**Makes it so hard to make a choice**_

…0...0...0...0...0...0...

Ellie has the baby at 2:41 a.m. 7 months, 2 weeks, and 3 days later.

It's a boy with Spinner's eyes and Ellie's nose and a patch of strawberry colored fuzz covering the top of his head. He's absolutely beautiful.

Jimmy hasn't been doing too great the last few months. We all knew Spin's death was going to be hard on him. But he took it worse than even Ash had anticipated. He doesn't paint, doesn't shoot hoops- he won't even talk about him some days. Ironically, it got worse when he found out that Ellie was pregnant. We all thought that the baby might help him. It's not Spin-but it is Spin's kid.

I moved in with Ellie during the last two months of her pregnancy. It made more sense than her staying at the condo. There was furniture to assemble, clothes to wash, decorating to be done. It just made more sense for me to stay with her.

Dylan said he got that-but we've never had such a quiet conversation as we did the night I told him that it would be my last night at the condo for a while. I didn't have to ask to know what he was running through his head. To him, in his mind, I was leaving our home. It was five days before I heard from him again.

So imagine my surprise when he shows up at the hospital the next day. I leave the room so Ellie can feed him, and he's there in the hallway holding roses and a teddy bear. My heart melts at the sight.

The hug is awkward with him holding that stuff, but it's what I've been craving all these months.

"Thank you for coming," I whisper against his chest.

He pulls back and smiles at me with more sincerity than I've seen from him in months. Maybe even years. "I had to come see Spinner Jr. for myself."

The laughter feels good. It feels like a long needed release. "Ellie's not to keen on people calling him that for some reason. I think it's the red hair."

"His hair is red?" Dylan chuckles.

I peep cautiously through the window to see if she's done yet. She is. "Yeah. Want to go see him?"

I reach for the door but Dylan grabs my other hand, pulling me back. "In a second. I want to talk to you first." Pulling me over to the visitor's lounge, Dylan sits across from me in one of those hard chairs that seem to litter government buildings. "I talked to Jimmy earlier. He said that he and Ash want Ellie to come stay with them for awhile."

I nod. "I know. They've mentioned it a couple of times. But Ellie wants to go home."

Dylan leans back in his seat, letting go of my hand in the process. A tingling rises up the back of my neck that makes me think that more than my hand is being let go of. "I assume you're going with her.'

"Well yeah. The plan was always for me to stay with them until Ellie feels comfortable by herself. Then you'll come home."

"I signed up for the promotional tour," he states.

The walls close in on me and the blood roars through my ears so loud I would swear there was an ocean nearby. The image of Ellie huddled against the church wall flashes before my eyes and I think this must be how she felt.

"_I couldn't breath, Marco. It felt like the walls were closing in on me and my chest was getting tighter and tighter the longer I sat there." _

"Why would you do that without consulting me?"

"I thought that's what we did now," Dylan spat. "Whatever one of us 'thinks is best' is okay."

A cry interrupts briefly and it hits me. "You're jealous of Ellie and the baby?"

"No," he replies staunchly, "I'm not jealous, Marco. I'm angry. You went and made Ellie the center of our life without even giving me a second thought."

I can't "The center of my life? Dylan, have you been here during this relationship at all?"

"Come here," Dylan takes my hand and leads me to Ellie's door. "Look in there, Marco. That is Ellie and Spinner's baby. **Spinner's**. Not yours."

That hurts. More than I ever thought words could. To be perfectly honest, sticks and stones don't sound half bad right about now. "I know that."

The look on his face says clearly that he doesn't believe me. "You sure? Then prove it. Let Ellie stay with Jimmy and Ashley. It would do Jimmy a world of good to be with Spinner's baby right now and Ash has been going out of her mind trying to figure a way to help him. It'll be just the thing. That way," he takes my hand in his and those same butterflies I've been feeling since I was fifteen flutter in m stomach, "you can come with me for a few months. You'll love Switzerland-it's so beautiful there, and you've always wanted to come stay for more than a week."

"Dylan, I can't leave Ellie for months. More than that, I don't want to," I tell him.

"You're choosing her over me?"

I'm the one who lets go of his hand this time. "You want me to choose between you and Ellie? You're asking me this now-when she needs me more than ever? Seriously?"

"Is that your answer?" he shoots back.

"No, this is my answer: Ellie would never ask me to choose."

I shut the door of Ellie's hospital room softly behind me. The kid screams bloody murder at the drop of a hat.

God, I haven't seen her smile that in I don't even know how long. It seems right in a way that we ended up here. My life without Ellie isn't something I ever want to know. And I was glad to be there for the cravings and the mood swings and all the stuff that I would have done anyway since they would most definitely have driven Spinner up a wall and sent Ellie into a screaming fit.

"Hey," she says. "Were you just talking to someone out in the hall?"

"Just a guy who needed directions." If only she knew how true that is.

A tiny squeak draws my attention and I smile down at the baby in her arms. His eyes meet mine, Ellie's eyes, and I know that I'm doing the right thing. Ellie has always been here when I needed her.

It's just for a little while. Dylan will cool down. Everything will be just fine.

_**I don't know if I should stay**_

_**Away **_

…0...0...0...0...0...0...


End file.
